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Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

Seventh Grade was a rough year for me. Before you say, Well, no shit Dena. Isn’t it rough for all pubescent preteens? The short answer is, yes. Since this about me…#1 Tupac died during seventh grade. I was in class with my friend Yani when we found out and I was DEV-A-STATED!!!! I’ve not cried for the death of a public figure before or since. Just sayin’ I loved me some Tupac. #2 Not ALL preteens had just been told by her family to forget about the incestual molestation that happened the summer before. I lost any notion that I believed in a God. How could God let my grandfather touch me? How could God allow my parents to stand by and be part of the problem? Why was God doing this to me? There couldn’t be a God. Ha there’s a reason your mom didn’t baptize you when you were a baby. You’re not meant to part of that world. She didn’t care about you enough to. What about the devil? If God wasn’t helping me. What about Satan? I started studying the movie The Craft thinking maybe Manon had the answers. That Fairuza Balk was freaking fierce!

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I decided to take ‘ol Henry to Hawaii with me to visit a friend.  See, I had been planning to go to Hawaii. It would be a retirement present to myself. Go me! I had a ton of miles saved up on my credit card so, mah flight was basically free! WHAT? You heard me! When this trip was originally discussed I was somewhat single. Being the amazingly loyal daughter, I am, or the Stockholmed kicked puppy, I told Rachel I’d probably be bringing Momster. Momster had been saying I “owed” her a trip somewhere. I was awarded settlement money for a pharmaceutical lawsuit that had finally ended. From suffering I had to endure with complications to birth control. #PharmaHormonesAreBad When the time came, Momster refused to take the time off for a trip. Alone time with daughter? Better not! There’s no value added, we’d have to talk to each other and I have no spawn for her to imprint on.  RUN AWAY! She has refused to take a weekend mother-daughter trip to see me here in Florida the six years I’ve lived here. Some 7.5 measly hours away with room, board and meals taken care of. Why in fucksakes would she do this? Maybe because she let me take her to Ireland without complaining?…I digress this isn’t about Momster. She removed herself from this story…

By the time the trip came around I added Henry to the manifest without mentioning this to Rachel. With my travel points I was getting a BOGO Deal. At least that’s the only thought that was going through my head. Rachel’s house. Rachel’s extra car. I was only covering the airfare. This sets up the entire story for the trip…my deceit to Rachel.

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This whole self care and self love thing is new to me. That’s what makes joining my blog journey so interesting! I’m not waiting for an “ah ha” moment and my life to turn around. I’m writing as I’m finding my way. You’re in the thick of it with me! It’s about the process of getting right and the tumbling along the way. Right Mo Fo?! No one gets it right on the first try. This blog is my raw real truth. My intentions were to blog once a week. Since my trip to Washington DC I have not published a thing! I beat myself up about it every day. All the while 3 or 4 different working blogs are ongoing in my head. I’ll get a chance to sit down and work on my new art soon. Getting my life together is no joke! It takes real work can I get a Hell Yea? I’m still in the process of combining two household’s worth of goods with two people with a ton of clutter. My perfectionism and OCD make even the smallest molehill of projects into a mountain. Have I mentioned I’m a master procrastinator? In the last few weeks I’ve done some damage at decluttering the house. All of this pale in comparison to what’s going on inside my body.

I suffer from severe adrenal fatigue. My body produces the same amount of DHEA as a 70-year-old. What the fuck? Right?…I’ve always said I have an old soul, but I’m literally aging prematurely. I have a shortage of cortisol as well. These combined with the abundance of estrogen I have flowing through my system, I’m quite literally a pile of hot flash mess. I’m under a new natural bioidentical hormone protocol that is making a WORLD of difference. I’m still human and make mistakes on reordering. I recently ran out of my estrogen defense supplements. You’d NEVER know how evil a bitch estrogen can be until you have a fuckton of it attacking your insides. I was down for DAYS! I’m still recovering slowly after being on my supplements for three days. I took the time I needed to recover with a deep love for self. I took my time to do what I could but focused on me. I feel much better than I have in a long while.

This blog is also about celebrating the little victories. I started this blog on 1 May 2018. May brought me 2,298 views by 1,129 visitors. An outstanding 31 likes on my posts! That’s better than I ever could have hoped! There’s so much more where that’s come from. I’m here for your entertainment while I reconcile with my own shame and guilt.  This is a forum to share my journey and if someone wants to take any lessons learned, well I’m making the world a better m f’in place!

Hang with me and there will be more journeys to be had! Some that have already happened just haven’t been written down yet.

-One Love

 

😎🤙🏼

My stage in therapy these days? Rewriting my resentment story about momster. Man is it fucking hard. Not only am I dealing with the constant issues with her…i.e. texting her to tell her I love her. I’m such a masochist. In spite of everything, I get nothing but radio silence back. So, I’m not putting anymore of my effort into her. I’m actively rewriting my story. I used the monies returned to me to open up the Denabear, LLC business checking account. Thanks Momster for the support! I had to take a break for a few days from the blog to attend to some personal business. I finally came forward with my #MeToo moment. It’s something that completely derailed my life. When a friend is no longer a friend but an assaulter. It has taken the wind out of my sails the last few days and I am one that needs to recharge my batteries by taking time away to do for myself. But I must not let this get me down. Damn the Man! Save the Empire! Continue reading