Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

It’s another day in the life. I’m actually laying on a chiropractic table right now getting some electro shock therapy to my back. It’s been a day full of validation. I’ve been waiting MONTHS to go to an endocrinologist. Today was my day! Even though all my doctors were skeptical that I had hypothyroidism (I’m not fat enough they say…well pair hypothyroidism with disordered eating and you get a skinny fat person…aka me). I’ve been battling brittle hair and nails, temperature intolerance, dry skin every where but my face…all those symptoms and more since I can remember! Shit when I was little my standard temperature was 97.2. Not 98.6. Finally a specialist in the field validated my feelings of overwhelming fatigue all the time with the diagnosis of hypothyroidism. I’ve been trying to find out why I’m extraordinarily tired all the time for years…YEARS I TELL YOU!!! FINALLY!!

I hear all the time, but I look fine…I’m a crazy person when it comes to my weight. It’s an issue. I’ll go on a starvation diet for a few days just to get the scale to look right. I know it’s not healthy or sane for that fact. It’s freaking ingrained. So, I’ve been rocking these Beachbody workouts for nearly two months. I follow a strict Keto diet, and have been following it for 10 months. The results still are barely visible. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with my body. According to the Dr. Tai, associated with the Brazilian-American Academy for Integrative & Regenerative Medicine, aka the peeps that have been treating my adrenal fatigue, I’ve gone from being on the cusp of adrenal fatigue to full blown, no kidding my cortisol levels have tanked, I’m in adrenal fatigue. There’s only so much of the fight I can do on my own. After 8 weeks of training and watching my diet, I should be seeing improvement by now. My clothes still fit the same, my measurements haven’t changed much. I’m not winning my fight. Therefore, I throw my hands up to science. Exercise, diet, lifestyle…they just aren’t cutting it. Thyroid drugs it is. Maybe I’ll have an update in 4-6 weeks!

The reason I started this blog was to share the journal of my day to day struggles. A child that came from a family with sexual abuse, emotional neglect that turned into an adult that later faced several sexual assaults, has a lot of issues on the daily. I publish these things I do to get my mind, body and soul into a healthy balance with the idea, if it helps me, maybe it will help someone else. Feeling lonely is something that is completely unnecessary today. Everywhere on social media there is a group of people just like you, begging for you to join their ranks. Never feel like the odd man out again. I’m new to this blogging community and know I have much more to offer than what I’ve been doing so far. I have fallen in love with being able to feel the emotional release from allowing truthful words to come out of my fingertips for all to read. For a peer to make notice my work as worthy for recognition is astonishing. The gratitude I have fills my heart! All I wanted to do was help one person with my crazy stories and the day to day struggle, and I have found a community of people that accept me for who I am. My real ugly truth, which has ironically turned beautiful in the end. Carbon doesn’t turn into diamonds without immense pressure!

So what in the ef am I babbling about anyway you ask? The blog says this is about an award or some shit?…It is! The Sunshine Blogger Award is a peer driven award to recognize inspirational, positive, talent in the community. And holy mutha f*** I got a nomination! Can’t believe it! I actually really can’t…I appreciate Carrie, my blog mental illness sister in arms for the nomination. Please take some time to check out her blog Bipolar in Order: A Confessional. She’s such a gorgeous soul with an awesome cat infatuation and so much to say on the mental illness stigma society faces today. I love getting notifications for when she has a new post! I’m a newborn blogger. This is completely unexpected. Don’t count me out, I expect big things from me in the future!

So here we go…

Rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you in your blog post and link back to his/her blog.
  • Answer 11 questions that the blogger asked you.
  • Nominate (at least) 11 new bloggers to receive the award and write 11 questions for them to answer.
  • List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post on your blog.

The Questions I was asked:

  1. What are you most proud of about yourself (non-academic or professionally)? I’m proud of my time spent in the military. Without it I feel lost.
  2. What keeps you going through all of your ups, downs, and diagonals? I really don’t know…I’ve got my dark angel in the shadows on my back always looking out for me, but I have a uninhibited will to live that my no matter how dark my mind gets, my inner animal doubles down with primal instinct to live.
  3. Which member of your family, immediate or distant, has influenced and inspired you the most? (alive or not) My mother has influenced and inspired me the most. I push so hard everyday to be the best person I can be because of her. She taught me to put a smile on my face and tough through the hard times when necessary. A lesson that has been put to use many times over in my life. Without her tough love I’d be nothing today.
  4. Which figure in history has influenced and inspired you the most? I hate this question. Sorry Carrie. I feel like I have a person that has influenced each chapter of my life. Since this chapter is very new I’m still trying to find out who my biggest influencers are. I seek inspiration on a daily basis from everywhere because I’m constantly evolving.
  5. What is your spirit animal? The test said Sea Turtle
  6. What is your creative/emotional outlet besides blogging? Music! I can lose myself in some jams. Or fuel a fire if I’m pissed, haha. I’m pretty sensitive to auditory cues so banging some EDM is a way for me to calm the inner voices and enjoy the here and now.
  7. How have you advocated for mental health (illness) awareness in your family and/or community? I let most people I come across know that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Traumatic Brain Injury. I feel like I’m a poster child for someone that looks uber healthy but has a laundry list of issues. I use all of this to bring awareness to anyone I come into contact with to stop the stigma against mental health awareness and mental illness and instead start the conversation to begin healing.
  8. Do you go to therapy and/or are you in any support groups? I attend therapy weekly. I go through withdrawals if I miss!
  9. Have you had any difficulties regarding conventional work and employment? If so, what have they been and what have you had to do? I was medically retired from the military with major depressive disorder and anxiety. It affects my everyday life. Most of the time I have to drag myself out of bed, convince myself  life is worth living, oh and if I want to leave my house, that’s a whole other pep talk. My anxiety cut my engineering student time short as well. Classrooms full of strangers, my feeling stupid…I’m learning how to become a citizen of the world from home.
  10. What is one act of self-care you practice on a daily basis? I aspire to meditate everyday for self-care, as I write I realize I haven’t today, or yesterday, or the day before that. I use travel as a terrible excuse. I’m really bad at self-care. Most of the time I don’t feel like I’m worthy of taking time for myself. Batshit! Right? For the last nearly 60 days I’ve been devoted to doing a Beachbody workout daily. That’s really given me some mental focus and well as physical flexibility and strength,
  11. Do you know that I am here for you and you are validated? Validation is the balm for all ailments. I appreciate you Carrie! Being treated for PTSD is very similar to being treated for Bipolar 2. My medicines are identical to that of a person with Bipolar. Mental illness is an illness unlike any other. It cannot go untreated because it will get worse. This is why I call you my mental illness soul sister. We found each other on this mental illness journey I’m documenting for the world to witness.

My nominees for the award:

  1. Christie @lynnsaddiction1
  2. BeautyBeyondBones @AnaRevealed
  3. Cheri @CannabisCheri
  4. James @JamesEdgarSkye
  5. Telling The Truth
  6. Motivated to Lose Weight @LoseWeightMotv8
  7. Erin @erin.fado
  8. Goddessing From the Heart @Goddessingheart
  9. Parental Alienation
  10. Patricia J. Grace
  11. The Second Wound

Questions for the nominees:

  1. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
  2. Why did you start blogging?
  3. Where’s your favorite travel destination?
  4. Cats or Dogs?
  5. Do you have any rituals to get in the mood to blog?
  6. You have the $100,000 for travel expenses and a month off…what’s the plan? (if you don’t have a passport assume you do!)
  7. The last three books you read?
  8. What’s another hobby you have aside from blogging?
  9. How do you fit blogging into your daily?
  10. What’s a good piece of advice you can give to newbie bloggers?
  11. What’s your favorite blog post you’ve authored?

I went on a trip for enlightenment. A weekend trip equivalent to 30 years of psyhcotherapy. It was meant to be a big step toward my inner healing. I went on a weekend retreat to Soul Quest Ayahuasca Church in Orlando, FL. For those that have no idea what I’m talking about, Ayahuasca is a mixture that comes from a special vine in the amazon. It is illegal in the United States unless administered by a sanctioned church. You can read all about the medicine here. A teacher I am not,…I’m a storyteller.

I’d been planning on taking the medicine of Mother Aya for over a year. I’ve been asking a few friends to find time off work to go with me to Peru, but to no avail, no one was ever available. I was shocked to find there was a sanctioned church right in my backyard. Whhhaatttt??? I started planning my birthday weekend immediately! My man stepped in and decided he was going to gift it to me. He loves me so much! He’s the reason I’m able to take so much time to work on myself and heal. He’s amazing!

Let me set this up for you…Girl walks in and everyone gets their own puke bucket…

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If you follow my Instagram, Facebook, or even Twitter for that matter, you might have noticed some videos of me convulsing and twitching everywhere. There actually videos of me working out to a BeachBody program called Cize! Sped up at warp speed so that I can post them. I’m not new to BeachBody. I did P90X for the first time when I was stationed in Colorado Springs. Some awesome folks at Schriever AFB would get together at lunchtime to watch the DVD’s in the gym. I got amazing strength results without doing the diet 100%. I know it works. However, P90X is the only program that I ever tried. Until now.

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Seventh Grade was a rough year for me. Before you say, Well, no shit Dena. Isn’t it rough for all pubescent preteens? The short answer is, yes. Since this about me…#1 Tupac died during seventh grade. I was in class with my friend Yani when we found out and I was DEV-A-STATED!!!! I’ve not cried for the death of a public figure before or since. Just sayin’ I loved me some Tupac. #2 Not ALL preteens had just been told by her family to forget about the incestual molestation that happened the summer before. I lost any notion that I believed in a God. How could God let my grandfather touch me? How could God allow my parents to stand by and be part of the problem? Why was God doing this to me? There couldn’t be a God. Ha there’s a reason your mom didn’t baptize you when you were a baby. You’re not meant to part of that world. She didn’t care about you enough to. What about the devil? If God wasn’t helping me. What about Satan? I started studying the movie The Craft thinking maybe Manon had the answers. That Fairuza Balk was freaking fierce!

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I decided to take ‘ol Henry to Hawaii with me to visit a friend.  See, I had been planning to go to Hawaii. It would be a retirement present to myself. Go me! I had a ton of miles saved up on my credit card so, mah flight was basically free! WHAT? You heard me! When this trip was originally discussed I was somewhat single. Being the amazingly loyal daughter, I am, or the Stockholmed kicked puppy, I told Rachel I’d probably be bringing Momster. Momster had been saying I “owed” her a trip somewhere. I was awarded settlement money for a pharmaceutical lawsuit that had finally ended. From suffering I had to endure with complications to birth control. #PharmaHormonesAreBad When the time came, Momster refused to take the time off for a trip. Alone time with daughter? Better not! There’s no value added, we’d have to talk to each other and I have no spawn for her to imprint on.  RUN AWAY! She has refused to take a weekend mother-daughter trip to see me here in Florida the six years I’ve lived here. Some 7.5 measly hours away with room, board and meals taken care of. Why in fucksakes would she do this? Maybe because she let me take her to Ireland without complaining?…I digress this isn’t about Momster. She removed herself from this story…

By the time the trip came around I added Henry to the manifest without mentioning this to Rachel. With my travel points I was getting a BOGO Deal. At least that’s the only thought that was going through my head. Rachel’s house. Rachel’s extra car. I was only covering the airfare. This sets up the entire story for the trip…my deceit to Rachel.

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This whole self care and self love thing is new to me. That’s what makes joining my blog journey so interesting! I’m not waiting for an “ah ha” moment and my life to turn around. I’m writing as I’m finding my way. You’re in the thick of it with me! It’s about the process of getting right and the tumbling along the way. Right Mo Fo?! No one gets it right on the first try. This blog is my raw real truth. My intentions were to blog once a week. Since my trip to Washington DC I have not published a thing! I beat myself up about it every day. All the while 3 or 4 different working blogs are ongoing in my head. I’ll get a chance to sit down and work on my new art soon. Getting my life together is no joke! It takes real work can I get a Hell Yea? I’m still in the process of combining two household’s worth of goods with two people with a ton of clutter. My perfectionism and OCD make even the smallest molehill of projects into a mountain. Have I mentioned I’m a master procrastinator? In the last few weeks I’ve done some damage at decluttering the house. All of this pale in comparison to what’s going on inside my body.

I suffer from severe adrenal fatigue. My body produces the same amount of DHEA as a 70-year-old. What the fuck? Right?…I’ve always said I have an old soul, but I’m literally aging prematurely. I have a shortage of cortisol as well. These combined with the abundance of estrogen I have flowing through my system, I’m quite literally a pile of hot flash mess. I’m under a new natural bioidentical hormone protocol that is making a WORLD of difference. I’m still human and make mistakes on reordering. I recently ran out of my estrogen defense supplements. You’d NEVER know how evil a bitch estrogen can be until you have a fuckton of it attacking your insides. I was down for DAYS! I’m still recovering slowly after being on my supplements for three days. I took the time I needed to recover with a deep love for self. I took my time to do what I could but focused on me. I feel much better than I have in a long while.

This blog is also about celebrating the little victories. I started this blog on 1 May 2018. May brought me 2,298 views by 1,129 visitors. An outstanding 31 likes on my posts! That’s better than I ever could have hoped! There’s so much more where that’s come from. I’m here for your entertainment while I reconcile with my own shame and guilt.  This is a forum to share my journey and if someone wants to take any lessons learned, well I’m making the world a better m f’in place!

Hang with me and there will be more journeys to be had! Some that have already happened just haven’t been written down yet.

-One Love

 

😎🤙🏼

My stage in therapy these days? Rewriting my resentment story about momster. Man is it fucking hard. Not only am I dealing with the constant issues with her…i.e. texting her to tell her I love her. Such a masochist. In spite of everything. I get nothing but radio silence back. So I’m not putting anymore of my effort into her. I’m actively rewriting my story. The monies returned to me was used to open up the Denabear, LLC business checking account. Thanks Momster for the support! I had to take a break for a few day from the blog to attend to some personal business. I finally came forward with my #MeToo moment. It’s something that completely derailed my life all when a friend is no longer a friend but an assaulter. It has taken the wind out of my sails the last few days and I am one that needs to recharge my batteries by taking time away to do for myself. But I must not let this get me down. Damn the Man! Save the Empire! Continue reading

Today has been amazing. A day filled with self love and self care. Here it is only lunch time and I’m so happy. My happiness tends to peak around 3 to 4 pm. I’ve had a rough few weeks. My fiance has noticed that my fuse has been funning much shorter than normal. We’ve been butting heads a lot lately on our communication styles. We are both so used to walking on egg-shells is hard to make the switch. The transition has been rough. Or is it that I’m getting all this pent up frustration out finally and projecting on him all the time? Probably the latter. Have you ever had a mentor tell you to leave work at work? I don’t have a job. My work is me! There is no door. Figuring out my head is a full time job and it’s exhausting.  I attempt to leave my emotional baggage at the door when it’s time for us to be together, but fuuuccckkkk. Always projecting. So many egg shells around us. It’s something I’m working very hard on. Labeling it when other people seem to be tagging in on the action of projection train.

Step 1 is accepting that I have flaws.
Step 2 is being more mindful of my flaws. By doing this I first start to recognize the behavior in other people. I’ve always been hyper sensitive to my surroundings. As well as other people’s moods.
Step 3 is not to correct the other person but empathize with what the struggle that person may be going through. Don’t take it personally!
Step 4 start noticing it in myself so that I can halt the internal pattern. If the flaw does not serve a purpose that is… Some flaws should be lauded. Celebrated even. It’s our flaws and imperfections that make us perfectly imperfect human beings. Knowing the difference between the two helps my into growth into an eternally mindful global citizen.

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Some times I just need to clear my head. Especially with the current climate with Momster! The best way for me to do that is in the kitchen to fuel my body with healthy food that tastes delicious. I love cooking. I love keto. I love taking care of my man in the kitchen! Sooo I decided to share how I really got into it yesterday! I referred to the ‘Ol Farmers Almanac and realized it was a baking day. Carpe diem bitch!

The Menu:

  • Prosciutto Wrapped Sea Scallop appetizer
  • Sea Scallop Chorizo Portobello Pizzas
  • Side salad

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I’ve been calling this #MyMentalIllnessJourney from the beginning. Why is that a thing? I wasn’t born with a mental illness. Or was I? That’s a question we’ll never know. Evidence shows my brain has been injured post childbirth. Since medically retiring from the Air Force in Oct 2016, I’ve had to learn how to become my own advocate. For man healthcare that is. The mlitary blinded me to the healthcare crisis America has been facing. Here I was newly a civilian, 90% disabled, with a fuckton a diagnoses that had to have a root cause. I knew it in my soul. I have too much wrong with me at, then 32, to not have an umbrella diagnosis to tie it all together. The last few years have been a struggle! I’ve needed regular medical care as well as mental health care. I do not function as a normal human being. The emotional baggage I bring to everyday situations has been holding me back for years. I walk around a tight ass fucking ball of anxiety! A cycstic pimple on the verge of rupture at the slightest wrong turn of a conversation. My fuse is consistenly short. I’m a terrible bitch to be around. Continue reading

This will be a short one…I just got an inbox ding!

I’m officially a LLC! A business license, a tax ID. Everything! I don’t know what is this is going to turn into yet…but I can feel that it’s something big. It’s something that has my Dharma on high! I want it to be organic so I’m allowing that process to play out. I start my business management classes at Florida Institute of Technology in July. I’m signed up for a Radical Personal Finance Radio class on Career and Income building. If you follow me on social medial…I’m an avid podcast listener! You’ll hear me mention a few along the journey. It’s how I workout my brain every day with knowledge to keeps mees a smarts. Its a struggle. If you don’t challenge your brain, it turns to much. Podcasts help me so much that I’m this close to launching my own podcast. Look out June is going to be big!

This whole blog has been about getting my emotions and feelings out so that I can help others. No one should despair from neglect and abandonment. I’m going to make sure every person’s life I touch with this venture will feel personally loved and appreciated by not only me, but the community that I build behind me.

Cheers!! And thanks to all the followers out there! I’m going back to baking! I took pics tonight so I could post my first recipe! WATCH OUT NOW! This girl is a movin!

 

**Today’s Image you ask? Psycho kitty got a hair cut so he wanted to show it off!

Kisses Kittens!

And so mine set off a shit storm in my immediate family yesterday! Since I’m all about transparency and truth these days. I’ll lay out my side of the story as they are known and they were presented to me. Any opinions will be italicized. I will attempt to keep this fact based. You can make your own judgements.

At the end of the blog, I’ll have a Momster Day Bonus Round….on this day three years ago Momster did or didn’t do what?!?! Is she a sociopath or isn’t she? I can tell you my answer, but I’ll let you judge for yourself!… Continue reading

I know you say you don’t hate me. Your actions don’t match your words. I yearn for your love like a mother yearns for the love from their young. Why? In my years of despair and desolation, you were always my rock. My one common thing. I could always count on you to love my shells and cheese. You would always want to hang out when I came home. I’d have to cook, clean and take care of you after school every day until I left for college. I cared for you when I didn’t know how to care for myself.

I had a horrendous flashback recently. It ties a memory together that you have mentioned before. I wielded a knife at you and threatened to kill myself if you didn’t leave me alone. If my memory serves me correctly, which it probably doesn’t, you couldn’t have been more than 7. Who does that to her little brother?!? Her little brother that she loves so much that she tried to scare away all the little girls that threatened to hurt you in anyway. Here I was scarring you more than any of them could have. Continue reading

Last night I got a friend request from someone that I haven’t heard form in a long time. However, they have been on my mind quite a bit lately. With all of these emotions from my past churning. This woman used to be my best friend in the world. In fact, she is the only person I was allowed to share the terrible secret of what had happened with my grandfather. I remember running to her house with the secret the day after it happened. I stayed at her house all the time to get away from my own. In her’s I could feel love and caring. Her mother demanded manners, respect and nothing else under her roof. I did well there. We are going to call this friend Emily. Continue reading

I guess my new hair do has caused some concern for people. Especially in the light of it being “that time” for me. Not not my period assholes, I’d never have hair if I hacked it off every time I felt the surge of the crimson tide. Next Sunday is the three year anniversary of my world coming to a crashing halt. It was a regular day at work and I was doing cardio on the elliptical. My second @Fighter_Diet session of the day. Luckily the base I worked had extremely restricted access. The gym was basically all mine. I was pushing hard when my phone rang. It’s a ringtone I know well. It only goes off when something is wrong. It’s that startling alarm tone iPhones have. You know that one. The one no one in their right mind can sleep through because you’re in a fallout shelter…yep that’s it. My brother was calling. All he said was dad’s gone…

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Now this is a story

all about how

my life got flipped turned upside down…

Just kidding …well not exactly. It quite literally flipped me upside down 3 to 4 times in a car. Off a cliff. In Hawaii. This will be covered in the Crash follow on to this post later. This incident prompted my writing a book. A novel. An autobiographical memoir, if you will. (Ah puh puh puh as I sip my tea with my pinky high, and a gorgeous hat)  All about moi and the crazy shit I do. In the grand name of people pleasing, not rocking the boat, and the inability to harness the power of saying no. I never thought that I could write a book, A FUCKING BOOK? Shut your beautiful fucking face. The thought of me sitting and writing is sssooo daunting…may as well stab me slowly and repeatedly. Let me share with you how horrid the thought is. I’ve avoided writing this for you now. Even though I want,..NO its so much stronger than that, I love to. This is exhilarating. Alas, my house is fairly clean. For I am a master at avoidance and procrastination. 

One day recently an epiphany hit me. I realized that I have been collecting the Denabear Diaries via an arsenal of marked up Post-it’s my entire life. If I soon come to an untimely death, everyone one would think I was a raving lunatic! Especially since I’m a crazy to-do list maker as well. Gadzooks! How are the to distinguish the memoir notes from the lists?!? Hopefully the lists are “listed” in bullet form. No one would know as to what anything was referencing. TOTAL AND UDDER MADNESS. (Bwahaha like anyone would give a fuck to go through your things. Let them go up in flames like everyone’s memories of you have all these years. You’ve never mattered and you never will) I guess additionally to letting all of my anger out this is a prototype to getting all of my thoughts together for a book. So an entertaining chapter to say the least. And this is what happened to the trumpet…

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I decided to start on a funny note today. You’ll see it all ties in. They all circle around somehow. So it’s band camp time, I believe if my warped sense of time serves me right it’s the summer before eighth grade. (definitely post molestation) I base my memories on what color my hair was, and who it was I was dating. I never was much of a trumpet player. Never wanted to be. But I was no fucking quitter either.

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I was asked by a few people why am I doing this. People that caught me off guard. My first reaction was anger…(a feeling word I now know very well thanks to therapy). Why the fuck am I having to defend myself all over again? I’ve been on the defense for as long as I can remember. I’ve walked through life crippled. A slave to worry. Constantly bombarded with concern for how my actions and words effect others all the while holding no regard for my own feelings, needs or wants. This on going journey of many years has not all been forward movement. For every leap ahead I keep a huge punch in the face making me stumble backward. I’m only now in a position where I can freely talk about the trials and tribulations while keeping a smile on my face, of course the tears still flow freely, but progress is progress right?! I can finally see that it is a journey of self discovery. Before, I only could see misery surrounding me and knew I was destined for a life of sadness a desolation. Seeing the forrest for the trees…ya know.

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Day 1…it starts here. What is it? Who the fuck knows. Honestly, I’m not even sure. There are so many things I want to accomplish through opening up. I want to quiet the noise inside my head. It becomes all so overwhelming all the time. So much so, that the last year…maybe two…I lose track of my days, my nights, my weeks, my months, my years….all of ’em. Maybe this is a way to start keeping track. Being accountable. Dare I say my first steps to becoming a 33 year old adult? Or, maybe I just want attention like all the rest of the starved little kittens out there. However, as soon as that thought crosses my mind, my inner voice immediately berates me for being selfish and narcissistic. Why would anyone want to get to know me or hear from me? It’s a struggle I’ve lived with my entire life and I’m finally the external help I’ve always needed to quiet the internal beast that beats me up constantly.

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