Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

What up? What up? What UP THOUGH?!? It’s been a MIN-UTE since I’ve written anything, but rest assured, the lack of writing doesn’t mean I’ve been standing still. I’ve honestly been having a really hard time trying to figure out what I wanted to be as my “comeback” blog. I’ve had so much anxiety about publishing again, and I realized my fears are unwarranted. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. What is it that I was afraid of? I’ll get into that later. The biggest obstacle I face right now? I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!  What the fuck? I’m 35, close to 36. Aren’t I grown?! I mean, I served my country. I’m married to a doctor. Doesn’t that count? I own a house, a car, and I have a retirement fund. So, why do I feel so lost? A lot of it has to do with conflicting life goals. I want to help others see the light from their darkness however I fear being perceived as someone trying to capitalize on others misfortune. I take solace in knowing that those that know me, the real me, know that my intentions are pure.

Let’s go back to that fear real quick… I’ve had tons of trepidation bringing this blog back online. My words, MY TRUTH were used against me in court. It wasn’t even the things you’d think! Ahem, Henry’s story… The trajectory for my writing plan was to talk about my time as a Me Too warrior and share everything I went through while seeing two separate sexual assaults through the military court system. However, I’m not sure if I’m ready, or if I really want to. Or if it’s something I want to talk about in a public forum at all. With that being said here’s my disclaimer, if you’ve been a victim of sexual assault please find someone to talk to. The court process is lonely and maybe one of the hardest things I’ve been through. Surround yourself with amazing friends that will be there for you throughout the WHOLE PROCESS! You are not alone and you’ve already survived the worst! You got this!

It’s been so long I wasn’t even sure the last time I had blogged. When I went to look for a reference,  I realized the WordPress app wasn’t even on my phone anymore. I completed a microblog in August 2018 that I don’t count. My last true submission was in July 2018 after my first ayahuasca journey at Soul Quest. Interestingly enough, I came away form the journey with the knowledge that  I had a lot of work to do. Work on myself and specifically my throat chakra. Thank you Momma Aya. A year and half later, I journeyed again with the Mother, and here I am. A much better, more evolved, more complete version of myself. Armed with the knowledge that the journey really never ends.

Now what? There are some posts here that were MY feelings, MY way of connecting with MY emotions. It’s been an uphill battle through alexithymia, but emotions are finally becoming my first language. That being said, everything I post is my opinion, from my vantage point. As with everything, there’s always more than one side of any story. No one side is 100% true because perception is different for everyone. I wrote through my pain and hurt others in the process. Hurt people hurt people. For that, I am not proud and I sincerely apologize. In the story of my life, I am my own villain and savior. If there is any self deprecating humor, it will be directed only at my self and only in the past tense. My journey has taught me that you are what you put out in the world. Words have power! Stick and stones may not break bones, but they erode at the soul. My only wish is to spread love and light to all. You may notice my tone may change. In the grand scheme of things, I hope you can appreciate my growth. Any maybe do some growing with me!

Since my last blog I really dug into self care and discovery. In the past year and a half, I found my voice standing up for myself in court. I got married. My hair grew back. I endured transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy. I weaned myself off all the psychiatric meds. I started making amends and healing the relationship with my mother. I quit drinking. I cleaned up my eating habits. Like SERIOUSLY changed them. And I’ve made meditation the focus of my day. There’s been a ton of traveling in the mix too. How can I forget the “Rona/Quarantine?!” It’s been a journey. And it’s interesting to see the role mother Aya played in it. She had been calling me back to drink, and it worked out celestially to be at the exact right moment. Oh yea, I’ve gotten really big into astrology along the way too. I believe the next few blogs are going to be centered around what I’ve done on my mental fitness journey, and a little on my physical fitness journey. My purpose? So that if you or anyone out there is in any part of the struggle that I was in. See that there’s hope. You can start walking this path to finding a way to yourself. I know the darkness. I’ve been there. I’ve been in the depths of it. Let me tell you the light is beautiful. You just have to believe. Believe in yourself and don’t give up.

Love and Light

-D

It’s another day in the life. I’m actually laying on a chiropractic table right now getting some electro shock therapy to my back. It’s been a day full of validation. I’ve been waiting MONTHS to go to an endocrinologist. Today was my day! Even though all my doctors were skeptical that I had hypothyroidism (I’m not fat enough they say…well pair hypothyroidism with disordered eating and you get a skinny fat person…aka me). I’ve been battling brittle hair and nails, temperature intolerance, dry skin every where but my face…all those symptoms and more since I can remember! Shit, when I was younger, my standard temperature was 97.2. Not 98.6. Finally a specialist validated my feeling overwhelmingly fatigued all the time with the diagnosis of hypothyroidism. I’ve been trying to find out why I’m extraordinarily tired all the time for years…YEARS I TELL YOU!!! FINALLY!!

I hear all the time, but you look fine…I’m a crazy person when it comes to my weight. It’s an issue. I’ll go on a starvation diet for a few days just to get the scale to look right. I know it’s not healthy or sane for that fact. It’s freaking ingrained. So, I’ve been rocking these Beachbody workouts for nearly two months. I follow a strict Keto diet, and have been for 10 months. The results still are barely visible. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with my body. According to Dr. Tai with the Brazilian-American Academy for Integrative & Regenerative Medicine, aka the peeps that have been treating my adrenal fatigue, I’ve gone from being on the cusp, to full blown, no kidding, my cortisol levels have tanked, adrenal fatigue is in full effect. There’s only so much of the fight I can do on my own. After 8 weeks of training and watching my diet, I should be seeing improvement by now. My clothes still fit the same, my measurements haven’t changed much. I’m not winning the fight. Therefore, I throw my hands up to science. Exercise, diet, lifestyle…they just aren’t cutting it. Thyroid drugs it is. Maybe I’ll have an update in 4-6 weeks!

The reason I started this blog was to share the journal of my day to day struggles. A child that came from a family with sexual abuse, emotional neglect that turned into an adult that later faced several sexual assaults, has a lot of issues on the daily. I publish these things I do to get my mind, body and soul into a healthy balance with the idea, if it helps me, maybe it will help someone else. Feeling lonely is something that is completely unnecessary today. Everywhere on social media there is a group of people just like you, begging for you to join their ranks. Never feel like the odd man out again. I’m new to this blogging community and know I have much more to offer than what I’ve been doing so far. I have fallen in love with being able to feel the emotional release from allowing truthful words to come out of my fingertips for all to read. For a peer to make notice my work as worthy for recognition is astonishing. The gratitude I have fills my heart! All I wanted to do was help one person with my crazy stories and the day to day struggle, and I have found a community of people that accept me for who I am. My real ugly truth, which has ironically turned beautiful in the end. Carbon doesn’t turn into diamonds without immense pressure!

So what in the ef am I babbling about anyway you ask? The blog says this is about an award or some shit?…It is! The Sunshine Blogger Award is a peer driven award to recognize inspirational, positive, talent in the community. And holy mutha f*** I got a nomination! Can’t believe it! I actually really can’t…I appreciate Carrie, my blog mental illness sister in arms for the nomination. Please take some time to check out her blog Bipolar in Order: A Confessional. She’s such a gorgeous soul with an awesome cat infatuation and so much to say on the mental illness stigma society faces today. I love getting notifications for when she has a new post! I’m a newborn blogger. This is completely unexpected. Don’t count me out, I expect big things from me in the future!

So here we go…

Rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you in your blog post and link back to his/her blog.
  • Answer 11 questions that the blogger asked you.
  • Nominate (at least) 11 new bloggers to receive the award and write 11 questions for them to answer.
  • List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post on your blog.

The Questions I was asked:

  1. What are you most proud of about yourself (non-academic or professionally)? I’m proud of my time spent in the military. Without it I feel lost.
  2. What keeps you going through all of your ups, downs, and diagonals? I really don’t know…I’ve got my dark angel in the shadows on my back always looking out for me, but I have a uninhibited will to live that my no matter how dark my mind gets, my inner animal doubles down with primal instinct to live.
  3. Which member of your family, immediate or distant, has influenced and inspired you the most? (alive or not) My mother has influenced and inspired me the most. I push so hard everyday to be the best person I can be because of her. She taught me to put a smile on my face and tough through the hard times when necessary. A lesson that has been put to use many times over in my life. Without her tough love I’d be nothing today.
  4. Which figure in history has influenced and inspired you the most? I hate this question. Sorry Carrie. I feel like I have a person that has influenced each chapter of my life. Since this chapter is very new I’m still trying to find out who my biggest influencers are. I seek inspiration on a daily basis from everywhere because I’m constantly evolving.
  5. What is your spirit animal? The test said Sea Turtle
  6. What is your creative/emotional outlet besides blogging? Music! I can lose myself in some jams. Or fuel a fire if I’m pissed, haha. I’m pretty sensitive to auditory cues so banging some EDM is a way for me to calm the inner voices and enjoy the here and now.
  7. How have you advocated for mental health (illness) awareness in your family and/or community? I let most people I come across know that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Traumatic Brain Injury. I feel like I’m a poster child for someone that looks uber healthy but has a laundry list of issues. I use all of this to bring awareness to anyone I come into contact with to stop the stigma against mental health awareness and mental illness and instead start the conversation to begin healing.
  8. Do you go to therapy and/or are you in any support groups? I attend therapy weekly. I go through withdrawals if I miss!
  9. Have you had any difficulties regarding conventional work and employment? If so, what have they been and what have you had to do? I was medically retired from the military with major depressive disorder and anxiety. It affects my everyday life. Most of the time I have to drag myself out of bed, convince myself  life is worth living, oh and if I want to leave my house, that’s a whole other pep talk. My anxiety cut my engineering student time short as well. Classrooms full of strangers, my feeling stupid…I’m learning how to become a citizen of the world from home.
  10. What is one act of self-care you practice on a daily basis? I aspire to meditate everyday for self-care, as I write I realize I haven’t today, or yesterday, or the day before that. I use travel as a terrible excuse. I’m really bad at self-care. Most of the time I don’t feel like I’m worthy of taking time for myself. Batshit! Right? For the last nearly 60 days I’ve been devoted to doing a Beachbody workout daily. That’s really given me some mental focus and well as physical flexibility and strength,
  11. Do you know that I am here for you and you are validated? Validation is the balm for all ailments. I appreciate you Carrie! Being treated for PTSD is very similar to being treated for Bipolar 2. My medicines are identical to that of a person with Bipolar. Mental illness is an illness unlike any other. It cannot go untreated because it will get worse. This is why I call you my mental illness soul sister. We found each other on this mental illness journey I’m documenting for the world to witness.

My nominees for the award:

  1. Christie @lynnsaddiction1
  2. BeautyBeyondBones @AnaRevealed
  3. Cheri @CannabisCheri
  4. James @JamesEdgarSkye
  5. Telling The Truth
  6. Motivated to Lose Weight @LoseWeightMotv8
  7. Erin @erin.fado
  8. Goddessing From the Heart @Goddessingheart
  9. Parental Alienation
  10. Patricia J. Grace
  11. The Second Wound

Questions for the nominees:

  1. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
  2. Why did you start blogging?
  3. Where’s your favorite travel destination?
  4. Cats or Dogs?
  5. Do you have any rituals to get in the mood to blog?
  6. You have the $100,000 for travel expenses and a month off…what’s the plan? (if you don’t have a passport assume you do!)
  7. The last three books you read?
  8. What’s another hobby you have aside from blogging?
  9. How do you fit blogging into your daily?
  10. What’s a good piece of advice you can give to newbie bloggers?
  11. What’s your favorite blog post you’ve authored?

I went on a trip for enlightenment. A weekend trip equivalent to 30 years of psyhcotherapy. It was meant to be a big step toward my inner healing. I went on a weekend retreat to Soul Quest Ayahuasca Church in Orlando, FL. For those that have no idea what I’m talking about, Ayahuasca is a mixture that comes from a special vine in the Amazon. It is illegal in the United States unless administered by a sanctioned church. You can read all about the medicine here. A teacher I am not,…I’m a storyteller.

I’d been planning on taking the medicine of Mother Aya for over a year. I’ve been asking a few friends to find time off work to go with me to Peru, but to no avail, no one was ever available. I was shocked to find there was a sanctioned church right in my backyard. Whhhaatttt??? I started planning my birthday weekend immediately! My man stepped in and decided he was going to gift it to me. He loves me so much! He’s the reason I’m able to take so much time to work on myself and heal. He’s amazing!

Let me set this up for you…Girl walks in and everyone gets their own puke bucket…

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This whole self care and self love thing is new to me. That’s what makes joining my blog journey so interesting! I’m not waiting for an “ah ha” moment and my life to turn around. I’m writing as I’m finding my way. You’re in the thick of it with me! It’s about the process of getting right and the tumbling along the way. Right Mo Fo?! No one gets it right on the first try. This blog is my raw real truth. My intentions were to blog once a week. Since my trip to Washington DC I have not published a thing! I beat myself up about it every day. All the while 3 or 4 different working blogs are ongoing in my head. I’ll get a chance to sit down and work on my new art soon. Getting my life together is no joke! It takes real work can I get a Hell Yea? I’m still in the process of combining two household’s worth of goods with two people with a ton of clutter. My perfectionism and OCD make even the smallest molehill of projects into a mountain. Have I mentioned I’m a master procrastinator? In the last few weeks I’ve done some damage at decluttering the house. All of this pale in comparison to what’s going on inside my body.

I suffer from severe adrenal fatigue. My body produces the same amount of DHEA as a 70-year-old. What the fuck? Right?…I’ve always said I have an old soul, but I’m literally aging prematurely. I have a shortage of cortisol as well. These combined with the abundance of estrogen I have flowing through my system, I’m quite literally a pile of hot flash mess. I’m under a new natural bioidentical hormone protocol that is making a WORLD of difference. I’m still human and make mistakes on reordering. I recently ran out of my estrogen defense supplements. You’d NEVER know how evil a bitch estrogen can be until you have a fuckton of it attacking your insides. I was down for DAYS! I’m still recovering slowly after being on my supplements for three days. I took the time I needed to recover with a deep love for self. I took my time to do what I could but focused on me. I feel much better than I have in a long while.

This blog is also about celebrating the little victories. I started this blog on 1 May 2018. May brought me 2,298 views by 1,129 visitors. An outstanding 31 likes on my posts! That’s better than I ever could have hoped! There’s so much more where that’s come from. I’m here for your entertainment while I reconcile with my own shame and guilt.  This is a forum to share my journey and if someone wants to take any lessons learned, well I’m making the world a better m f’in place!

Hang with me and there will be more journeys to be had! Some that have already happened just haven’t been written down yet.

-One Love

 

😎🤙🏼

My stage in therapy these days? Rewriting my resentment story about momster. Man is it fucking hard. Not only am I dealing with the constant issues with her…i.e. texting her to tell her I love her. I’m such a masochist. In spite of everything, I get nothing but radio silence back. So, I’m not putting anymore of my effort into her. I’m actively rewriting my story. I used the monies returned to me to open up the Denabear, LLC business checking account. Thanks Momster for the support! I had to take a break for a few days from the blog to attend to some personal business. I finally came forward with my #MeToo moment. It’s something that completely derailed my life. When a friend is no longer a friend but an assaulter. It has taken the wind out of my sails the last few days and I am one that needs to recharge my batteries by taking time away to do for myself. But I must not let this get me down. Damn the Man! Save the Empire! Continue reading

Today has been amazing. A day filled with self love and self care. Here it is only lunch time and I’m so happy. My happiness tends to peak around 3 to 4 pm. I’ve had a rough few weeks. My fiance has noticed that my fuse has been funning much shorter than normal. We’ve been butting heads a lot lately on our communication styles. We are both so used to walking on egg-shells is hard to make the switch. The transition has been rough. Or is it that I’m getting all this pent up frustration out finally and projecting on him all the time? Probably the latter. Have you ever had a mentor tell you to leave work at work? I don’t have a job. My work is me! There is no door. Figuring out my head is a full time job and it’s exhausting.  I attempt to leave my emotional baggage at the door when it’s time for us to be together, but fuuuccckkkk. Always projecting. So many egg shells around us. It’s something I’m working very hard on. Labeling it when other people seem to be tagging in on the action of projection train.

Step 1 is accepting that I have flaws.
Step 2 is being more mindful of my flaws. By doing this I first start to recognize the behavior in other people. I’ve always been hyper sensitive to my surroundings. As well as other people’s moods.
Step 3 is not to correct the other person but empathize with what the struggle that person may be going through. Don’t take it personally!
Step 4 start noticing it in myself so that I can halt the internal pattern. If the flaw does not serve a purpose that is… Some flaws should be lauded. Celebrated even. It’s our flaws and imperfections that make us perfectly imperfect human beings. Knowing the difference between the two helps my into growth into an eternally mindful global citizen.

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Some times I just need to clear my head. Especially with the current climate with Momster! The best way for me to do that is in the kitchen to fuel my body with healthy food that tastes delicious. I love cooking. I love keto. I love taking care of my man in the kitchen! Sooo I decided to share how I really got into it yesterday! I referred to the ‘Ol Farmers Almanac and realized it was a baking day. Carpe diem bitch!

The Menu:

  • Prosciutto Wrapped Sea Scallop appetizer
  • Sea Scallop Chorizo Portobello Pizzas
  • Side salad

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I guess my new hair do has caused some concern for people. Especially in the light of it being “that time” for me. Not not my period assholes, I’d never have hair if I hacked it off every time I felt the surge of the crimson tide. Next Sunday is the three year anniversary of my world coming to a crashing halt. It was a regular day at work and I was doing cardio on the elliptical. My second @Fighter_Diet session of the day. Luckily the base I worked had extremely restricted access. The gym was basically all mine. I was pushing hard when my phone rang. It’s a ringtone I know well. It only goes off when something is wrong. It’s that startling alarm tone iPhones have. You know that one. The one no one in their right mind can sleep through because you’re in a fallout shelter…yep that’s it. My brother was calling. All he said was dad’s gone…

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Day 1…it starts here. What is it? Who the fuck knows. Honestly, I’m not even sure. There are so many things I want to accomplish through opening up. I want to quiet the noise inside my head. It becomes all so overwhelming all the time. So much so, that the last year…maybe two…I lose track of my days, my nights, my weeks, my months, my years….all of ’em. Maybe this is a way to start keeping track. Being accountable. Dare I say my first steps to becoming a 33 year old adult? Or, maybe I just want attention like all the rest of the starved little kittens out there. However, as soon as that thought crosses my mind, my inner voice immediately berates me for being selfish and narcissistic. Why would anyone want to get to know me or hear from me? It’s a struggle I’ve lived with my entire life and I’m finally the external help I’ve always needed to quiet the internal beast that beats me up constantly.

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