Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

What up? What up? What UP THOUGH?!? It’s been a MIN-UTE since I’ve written anything, but rest assured, the lack of writing doesn’t mean I’ve been standing still. I’ve honestly been having a really hard time trying to figure out what I wanted to be as my “comeback” blog. I’ve had so much anxiety about publishing again, and I realized my fears are unwarranted. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. What is it that I was afraid of? I’ll get into that later. The biggest obstacle I face right now? I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!  What the fuck? I’m 35, close to 36. Aren’t I grown?! I mean, I served my country. I’m married to a doctor. Doesn’t that count? I own a house, a car, and I have a retirement fund. So, why do I feel so lost? A lot of it has to do with conflicting life goals. I want to help others see the light from their darkness however I fear being perceived as someone trying to capitalize on others misfortune. I take solace in knowing that those that know me, the real me, know that my intentions are pure.

Let’s go back to that fear real quick… I’ve had tons of trepidation bringing this blog back online. My words, MY TRUTH were used against me in court. It wasn’t even the things you’d think! Ahem, Henry’s story… The trajectory for my writing plan was to talk about my time as a Me Too warrior and share everything I went through while seeing two separate sexual assaults through the military court system. However, I’m not sure if I’m ready, or if I really want to. Or if it’s something I want to talk about in a public forum at all. With that being said here’s my disclaimer, if you’ve been a victim of sexual assault please find someone to talk to. The court process is lonely and maybe one of the hardest things I’ve been through. Surround yourself with amazing friends that will be there for you throughout the WHOLE PROCESS! You are not alone and you’ve already survived the worst! You got this!

It’s been so long I wasn’t even sure the last time I had blogged. When I went to look for a reference,  I realized the WordPress app wasn’t even on my phone anymore. I completed a microblog in August 2018 that I don’t count. My last true submission was in July 2018 after my first ayahuasca journey at Soul Quest. Interestingly enough, I came away form the journey with the knowledge that  I had a lot of work to do. Work on myself and specifically my throat chakra. Thank you Momma Aya. A year and half later, I journeyed again with the Mother, and here I am. A much better, more evolved, more complete version of myself. Armed with the knowledge that the journey really never ends.

Now what? There are some posts here that were MY feelings, MY way of connecting with MY emotions. It’s been an uphill battle through alexithymia, but emotions are finally becoming my first language. That being said, everything I post is my opinion, from my vantage point. As with everything, there’s always more than one side of any story. No one side is 100% true because perception is different for everyone. I wrote through my pain and hurt others in the process. Hurt people hurt people. For that, I am not proud and I sincerely apologize. In the story of my life, I am my own villain and savior. If there is any self deprecating humor, it will be directed only at my self and only in the past tense. My journey has taught me that you are what you put out in the world. Words have power! Stick and stones may not break bones, but they erode at the soul. My only wish is to spread love and light to all. You may notice my tone may change. In the grand scheme of things, I hope you can appreciate my growth. Any maybe do some growing with me!

Since my last blog I really dug into self care and discovery. In the past year and a half, I found my voice standing up for myself in court. I got married. My hair grew back. I endured transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy. I weaned myself off all the psychiatric meds. I started making amends and healing the relationship with my mother. I quit drinking. I cleaned up my eating habits. Like SERIOUSLY changed them. And I’ve made meditation the focus of my day. There’s been a ton of traveling in the mix too. How can I forget the “Rona/Quarantine?!” It’s been a journey. And it’s interesting to see the role mother Aya played in it. She had been calling me back to drink, and it worked out celestially to be at the exact right moment. Oh yea, I’ve gotten really big into astrology along the way too. I believe the next few blogs are going to be centered around what I’ve done on my mental fitness journey, and a little on my physical fitness journey. My purpose? So that if you or anyone out there is in any part of the struggle that I was in. See that there’s hope. You can start walking this path to finding a way to yourself. I know the darkness. I’ve been there. I’ve been in the depths of it. Let me tell you the light is beautiful. You just have to believe. Believe in yourself and don’t give up.

Love and Light


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