Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

If you follow my Instagram, Facebook, or even Twitter for that matter, you might have noticed some videos of me convulsing and twitching everywhere. There actually videos of me working out to a BeachBody program called Cize! Sped up at warp speed so that I can post them. I’m not new to BeachBody. I did P90X for the first time when I was stationed in Colorado Springs. Some awesome folks at Schriever AFB would get together at lunchtime to watch the DVD’s in the gym. I got amazing strength results without doing the diet 100%. I know it works. However, P90X is the only program that I ever tried. Until now.

Back then I used P90X as a bridge program to get me back into the gym. I used to love lifting weights. Later when I was stationed at Cape Canaveral Air Force Station I would find the times that the gym would be the least busy and work out for hours lifting. Watching my poses and posture. Making sure I was doing everything correctly. Making mad gains! Problem is I can’t go into a gym anymore. The sounds of weights clanking only haunt me. They thrust me back into the day I received the call of my dad’s suicide. That nuclear attack siren alarm sound that was my brother’s ring tone blasts in my head as I remember exiting the elliptical. My cardio equipment of choice at the time of the call.  I go into panic and can’t breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs the way I did that day. I’ve tried so many times since that day in 2015 to go back to the gym…. any gym. Even going to Planet Fitness after I’ve spread so much that I can’t stand what they stand for. Workout and oh here’s some pizza and doughnuts…that’s really teaching good habits…Anyhoodles, I can’t. Better yet, I choose not to work through this wound yet. To do so would overload my healing process. I’m spending my time on deeper wounds that affect my everyday life. I will one day face this…I’m not ready yet.

Now before you say…now Denabear I read that you were practicing yogaWhat’s this nonsense about?Yoga is one of the many tools I’ve added to my balance and wellness toolbox. I’m working diligently on literally reconnecting the balance of my body, as it has gotten very faulty in the last several years after the accident. Just as important, my yoga practice is working on my mental balance. Clearing out the negative thoughts and exercising my ability to have a clear mind. Be at one with the silence.

The next step of my healing is to start working more aggressively on my physical self. Joining a gym would have been a natural fix for me in the past, but I’m unwilling at this point. So, what could I do from home that would work? What doesn’t require a shitton of startup cost for equipment? Also, I need accountability. Like the road to hell, I always start out with good intentions. My follow through is shit. Blame it on ADD. Not the ah ah ah ah alco-hol anymore, lol. I didn’t write down when I stopped drinking officially. It just kinda happened, but I know it’s been over a month. Possibly two. I don’t really care it was an unconscious decision since alcohol doesn’t serve me anymore. Haha blame the PSA on ADD too!

There has been an uprising of two influential people on my social media that brought Beachbody back into my purview. Every morning I’d wake up to videos of Amy smiling at the ass crack of dawn with her shake in hand getting ready for a workout. Amy is a woman living just south of my hometown of dirty Myrtle Beach. She found me on Instagram a while ago. I accepted her follow and followed her back because we share a few mutual friends from the area. Every day she posts her activity and looks so damn happy about doing it. Sometimes she has a special guest in her videos. She’s got the most gorgeous little girls that keep her motivated. It’s hard to wake up and do nothing when she’s smiling and working hard first thing in the morning every day!

Secondly, my gurl Vanessa. Now I’ve known this lady for a long ass time. a lady never tells the age of her friends…for fear of telling her own age! HAHA! This woman has been working on her #SelfLove #SelfCare game for a minute now. Her light and beautiful aura light up my Facebook feed and Instagram every day. She’s full of positive affirmations and truly about making the world and the people around her better. Low and behold, a few months back, Vanessa started posting her workouts too. With miraculous results I tell you! Let me see what the new BeachBody is all about…because from what I remember those programs will break your bank!

I knew my body had been damaged in the car accident, but I wasn’t sure of the extent. Yoga is difficult on my back and helping. It has made me sure that the muscles and ligaments were stretched and torn in the accident. They’ve slowly healed back in a shortened, weak state. My back hurts all the time! I stand by my refusal to take pain pills. I’m not getting on that roller coaster. The last several months have been about stopping my cycle of sadness for self. Start being more proactive about caring for self. Shiiiittt, start caring for myself at all… I’ve never taken the time to do that. I was taught that it’s selfish to think about self. I want to use my own body to get it to a place where I’m not in so much pain. My natural resource. My temple. So… how do I do that? Rebuilding my muscles in my back…and everywhere else. My own physical therapy. I have a goal! I’m doing this to feel better physically, to stay off of pain pills, and to feel better mentally. Any time I’ve tried to tackle fitness before it was for the external rewards: looking better, getting less “fat” attention, getting more “thin” attention. It’s not about that this time around.

But Denabear, didn’t you say Beachbody had the potential to break the bank? BeachBody has streamlined how to have access to their programs with BeachBody on Demand. You can download the app on your phone, tablet, FireTV, etc. That way there’s no excuse for not doing your workout from wherever you are. For one fee a year you have access to the BeachBody programs. WHAT THE FUCK? AMAZE! There are a ton of Beachbody programs out there ranging from beginner to advanced. You can pick your program from intensity, type of workout, or even coach preference. Some of the Beachbody coaches have very strong personalities with the camera…ah hem Tony Horton…but they all really motivate you! I love me some Shaun T! As luck would have it I also lluuuvveee to dance! So, I checked out Cize! At first glance after seeing it was labeled for beginners, my ego won over for the better part of an hour where I tried and failed 80 Day Obsession with homemade stretchy thigh bands (total failure btw). I looked over the Cize! calendar and made the decision that Cize! would be my introduction back to fitness. The program was only 30 days…if I can’t see 30 days through I seriously need some help. I’m not going to lie, there are some moves in Cize! that seriously try your leg and hip flexor strength! Even for a beginner. But that feeling after pushing through though! It’s like climbing a mountain! Or I guess that’s how it would feel…I’m not in the habit of climbing fucking mountains…

After a few days and feeling great about getting the routines I decided to explore the programs and set a goal for my next step. This is about the process, I’m not trying to be a figure competitor off the jump. I am rebuilding this lump of clay, not chiseling Pauline Nordin right of the bat! I checked out PiYo. An awesome mix of yoga and pilates designed to lengthen and strengthen the muscles. I’ve never done a Chalene Johnson video, but she looks pretty ripped for someone that’s older than I. And it’s only 60 days. A small step up from 30, not too much like 80! I clearly have commitment issues when it comes to habits that are good for me. I counted it out on the calendar…the week after my ayahuasca retreat. Sweet! Yea I said ayahuasca retreat. That post is coming next…I’m processing all that Mother Aya said to me!

So why do I post theses crazy videos of myself doing theses workouts? I could do them in the privacy of my own home with no one knowing any different. My gurl Vanessa…that’s why! This lovely lady and I went to high school together. Well shit if ya wanna get technical, we went to elementary school together. Now she lives a little over an hour from me down here in Florida. We haven’t seen each other since 2002 but have been Facebook pals. Recently we decided to get together and catch up over some good eats and shopping. She’s been killing it in the Beachbody arena.  She said she met Amy not too long ago and that Amy is an amazing inspiration and is killing it as well. A crazy tidbit, Vanessa’s dance team coach head from our high school days was clearing six figures! I can get behind that! Of course, the work from home money sounds good and tempting, but a sales person I am not! I’ve failed Mary Kay, and I technically “sell” Prüvit Keto//OS and Young Living Essential Oils. Both items I use on a daily basis. Have I “sold” one item?…Nope! They’re basically for personal use. Would I like to sell them and make money off the products I believe in? Fuck yea! I’m terrible at maximizing my potential since face to face with people is not my cup of tea. On top of that, I never thought if I was going to do this Beachbody thing again that I was going to coach. See how that worked out (My coach page if you dare). All I want to do is do me…and Vanessa showed me that’s exactly what I needed to do to succeed. Lead by example.

Now I post my workouts daily on my social media as my own accountability. They also serve as my own PSA to show it only takes 30-45 mins in a day to care for yourself enough for your body to reap the benefits. Since I’ve started giving a shit about myself…truly from the inside of my soul…I’ve made it my mission to share all the ways that help me find inner peace with all of you and all the people I come in contact with. Inner peace should be contagious like yawning and herpes. Little tip, if yawning isn’t contagious to someone around you…you may be in the presence of a sociopath. Jus sayin! I’m supplying you all with great knowledge people! It’s all about the little wins we can get each day. I’ve added 10 mins of meditation, 15 mins of yoga stretching and breathing in the mornings, a Beachbody workout and keto eating all day. These are my tools. What are the tools you’re gathering in your toolbox?



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