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Denabear Time

Join me on #MyMentalIllnessJourney where I’m #KillingPTSDErryDay from the effects of Childhood Neglect, Molestation, Rape, Sexual Assault During Military Service, Traumatic Brain Injuries, Constant Anxiety, Deep Depression with my #420GoodVibesforVets, #CocoaBeachKetoQueenness my awesome man the #CocoaBeachNativeChiroBoy constantly by my side, and a deep seeding unwillingness to give up!

Today has been amazing. A day filled with self love and self care. Here it is only lunch time and I’m so happy. My happiness tends to peak around 3 to 4 pm. I’ve had a rough few weeks. My fiance has noticed that my fuse has been funning much shorter than normal. We’ve been butting heads a lot lately on our communication styles. We are both so used to walking on egg-shells is hard to make the switch. The transition has been rough. Or is it that I’m getting all this pent up frustration out finally and projecting on him all the time? Probably the latter. Have you ever had a mentor tell you to leave work at work? I don’t have a job. My work is me! There is no door. Figuring out my head is a full time job and it’s exhausting.  I attempt to leave my emotional baggage at the door when it’s time for us to be together, but fuuuccckkkk. Always projecting. So many egg shells around us. It’s something I’m working very hard on. Labeling it when other people seem to be tagging in on the action of projection train.

Step 1 is accepting that I have flaws.
Step 2 is being more mindful of my flaws. By doing this I first start to recognize the behavior in other people. I’ve always been hyper sensitive to my surroundings. As well as other people’s moods.
Step 3 is not to correct the other person but empathize with what the struggle that person may be going through. Don’t take it personally!
Step 4 start noticing it in myself so that I can halt the internal pattern. If the flaw does not serve a purpose that is… Some flaws should be lauded. Celebrated even. It’s our flaws and imperfections that make us perfectly imperfect human beings. Knowing the difference between the two helps my into growth into an eternally mindful global citizen.

I used to turn my nose up at Yogi’s. Fuck, let’s be honest here… I used to turn my nose up to anyone that worked up. My fat ass said you wouldn’t find me running unless someone was chasing me and I had a shitton of weed! It’s not the mindset I grew up with. My family ate and did whatever we wanted with lifestyle and nutrition. My mother took concern with my sugar intake when I was a child. I wasn’t allowed to have any of the cool cereals unless dad did the shopping. It wasn’t until Alex was around that we had “treats” around all the time. Once I realized something was out of balance, i.e. my size 6 pants were all of a sudden 14s…then I’d turn to the cycle of crash dieting and workout videos. The same cycle I’d learned from watching my mom over the years with Jane Fonda and Sweatin’ to the Oldies. We’d diet and do workout videos…sometimes. The emphasis was always on crisis management instead of taking care of yourself day to day.

This healthy type of self care stops this cycle. If only I could tell my teenage self this. I may have saved myself endless fad diets and extreme workouts. However I wouldn’t be so fascinated with how the body uses food as fuel down to the molecular level. I’m fascinated by it. While some may call me a flip-flopper with certain diet life styles. Which I say go fuck yourself…are you of a normal weight? Statistics say probably not so get the fuck off my back. I was a vegan for 18 months because of my high cholesterol levels. I loved it. Everything except for the availability of vegan cuisine in my area and when traveling. I started Keto because it promised to lift my brain fog while keep all my inflammation down. Why the fuck wouldn’t I chose that. Inflammation rules my life when the brain fog allows me to function. Anyhoodles….today….

It wasn’t until I checked myself into an inpatient facility that the seed for a yoga life was planted in my soul. Yoga was one of the only scheduled activitiy during my stay I looked forward to. With enthusiasm! We had a gifted instructor that would come to the facility two to three times a week if I remember correctly. Her focus was on mindfulness and paying attention to your body and alignment. Yoga fundamentals with this smaller group. Yoga classes I has attended before had teachers that were more worried about their own practice, or had too many students for one on one student attention. I need one on one attention when it comes to being in tune with my body. It’s a foreign fucking concept! I dissociate at the slight trigger of an internal struggle from an external stimulus.

The Daily OM offers block yoga classes for a very fair price!Pick your focus. Sign up. Start in the comfort of your own home! A year ago I jumped immediately into a 21 Day Yoga Shred! I was pumped. Day 2 into the program and I stopped. Who the hell was I kidding? I hadn’t worked out in over a year. I was going to throw my back out, or topple over. I was a gym rat of the lifting weights kind prior to my inpatient stay. I get anxiety attacks going into gyms. Even now. I still remmeber the phone call from my brother telling me my dad was gone while I was on the elliptical. Plates banging in the background while I was warming up. Needless to say, but I will anyway in case you’re not following along…I will not be joining a traditional type-o-gym any time in the foreseeable future…
I quickly realized that my yoga knowledge was downward dog shit. I knew plank, the baby thing, and corpse pose…that’s all folks! Oh yea and TREE! I KNOW TREE POSE! I went back through the names of classes and found a 21 Day Beginner Yoga to sign up for. I am more flexible than a beginner. I blame Karate.  I needed the meticulous details of how to get yoga to really work for me and how to work it!

This online instructor, Sadie Nardini is the fucking bomb dot com. I was a freaking physics major, engaged to a physics degree holder and this chick is breaking yoga down into a science of beta and delta waves? Are you fucking kidding me? It all makes total sense! There is no energy lost or gained in the universe. It’s all about converting it into usable forms and tapping into the potential energy around you. With that course I was able to get the foundation of yoga foundation so I could find a group class.

Shut the fuck up!…My anxious ass going to yoga class full or strangers? Lemme tell ya…I’ve signed up for classes at this joint 3-4 times before and caved everytime motha fuckin time! Mostly because I’ve been scared. Scared of what you ask? You know you did! Scared of being judged… Of not having the right outfit… Possibly hurting myself and looking stupid. I’d say with my new found confidence and probably with the help of my big pharma side kicks…I said fuck it. I’m going to yoga tomorrow for me! I signed up on MindBody and put it on my calendar. Who cares what they think. It’s for me. Yogi’s are known to not be judgy tho right?!? As she bites her nails….

Todays session started with a parable that struck me. There are only 7 original plots in stories. They are told and retold with different players and backgrounds, however the plot of the story remains the same. I want to share this parable paraphrased as it was shared with me in the opening of practice today. It was a wonderful exercise to get into a mindful place and ready myself for practice. Thank you Martha for sharing!

If you wish, you can read the entire parable of The Snake and the Holy Man. Here’s the low low…The inhabitants of this small village wanted to be respectful of all creatures. However it was a snake that shared the space with them in which they were having the most trouble with. He would eat eggs, chickens and even small children. The Villagers wanted to kill it. A wise man took it upon himself to hold the villagers off until he spoke to the snake. The wise man scolded the snake for being greedy and eating the villagers food and children. There was plenty for him to eat without bothering the villagers. Then requested him not to eat the villagers animals or children anymore…you know… for the greater peace? The snake agreed to stand down. Some of the villagers noticed a difference and were greatful. There’s always dem few tho... These jackasses took the opportunity to retaliate. They allowed the anger in their heart rule their actions. The snake continued to listen to the wise man. Not biting the villagers, recoiled and hiding under a rock. The wise man returned to check on the snake. He stay tucked away under the rock. Spirits broken. Scrapes and bruises all down his body. The wise man looked down at the snake and said I never said you couldn’t hiss. #Mindblown

Am I the wise man? Most likely not! The snake? Fuck I don’t think so, but I’m sure I am in someone’s story. Am I a villager? A good natured one that is waiting to see if the snake’s nature changes better for the greater good? Or a stone throwing one eaten alive with anger? This answer will take some more meditation. I could share qualities from more than one character in the story. That’s not unlike me…Which character are you? Maybe your story hasn’t reached a crossroads like this. Stop and listen to your thoughts and feelings. Give yourself time to process before making harsh decisions. Some people take more time to process than others. That’s okay. I’m realizing I’m one of those. If you don’t want me “overracting,” don’t expect a reaction right away. Let me process. I need extra time to analyze the situation from my over analytical woman brain.

Hugs and Kisses Kittens! Take Care of you!

Shout out to:

Infinity Yoga Ayurveda Cocoa Beach

157 North Orlando Ave, Suite 102

Cocoa Beach, FL 32931

321.785.3232

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