I know you say you don’t hate me. Your actions don’t match your words. I yearn for your love like a mother yearns for the love from their young. Why? In my years of despair and desolation, you were always my rock. My one common thing. I could always count on you to love my shells and cheese. You would always want to hang out when I came home. I’d have to cook, clean and take care of you after school every day until I left for college. I cared for you when I didn’t know how to care for myself.
I had a horrendous flashback recently. It ties a memory together that you have mentioned before. I wielded a knife at you and threatened to kill myself if you didn’t leave me alone. If my memory serves me correctly, which it probably doesn’t, you couldn’t have been more than 7. Who does that to her little brother?!? Her little brother that she loves so much that she tried to scare away all the little girls that threatened to hurt you in anyway. Here I was scarring you more than any of them could have.
I don’t think I ever shared with you what happened hat caused that outburst. I’m not saying what I did was right and I’m not trying to justify it. Never. Alex if you were only 7, I was only 12…I had no idea why I was acting out either I had blocked it out because that’s what we are programmed to do. With no help from either of my parents I didn’t learn how to deal with it either externally anywhere. Except that time I finally got fed up and punched my window out in my room…
Some friends and I were totally into The BabySitters Club Books and got the bright idea of starting our own to make some money. We made fliers and posted them up around the town. I booked one! I was SO psyched!!! Two little girls. Probably 7ish and 5ish. But wait, it was a little weird though. They had an older bro in my grade. I had seen him before. We never shared any classes. One of the frequent fliers of In-School-Suspension. Like he was going to listen to me…oh I hope he’s not going to try anything with me. I haven’t learned to say no yet and I have a responsibility to these girls. Lucily it looked like he wouldn’t be hanging around much. I was actually babysitting because he didn’t look after his sisters.
The night started as most babysitting gigs. Minus the part of the dude in my grade being there to check out the chick supposedly babysitting him…I felt like such an awkward dork. …better concentrate on the girls. It was all going fine, I was cooking dinner and helping the oldest with her homework. All of a sudden it wasn’t okay. There was a high pitched cacophony from the bathroom. I know the youngest had been begging for my attention, but I had been a little taxed with fixing some good ole Easy Mac and tuna…(or insert your random cheap, easy to fix pre-teen food here)…and helping her sister with a homework assignment that was due the next day.
We had been playing dolls earlier. I promised we would play again as soon as we were done with dinner. I noticed throughout the night there was a power struggle for attention between the girls. Maybe it was my fault for weighing the fact that the oldest had a homework deadline with higher regard than doll play?…who the fuck knows…but my inability to pay attention to that little girl at that moment caused her to grab the largest knife in the kitchen and lock herself in the bathroom. Threatening to slit her own throat because she felt I had picked her sister over her. Looking back, I know this girl was crying out to my subconscious that had been silenced over the years. That’s why this flashback was so strong when I had it. To make things even better, my being a mere 12 years old warranted my being left with 2 sets of useless emergency numbers.
Yup, guess who couldn’t reach a motha fuckin person. I’m having a complete anxiety attack because this little girl’s life is in my hands. She’s going to kill herself because I neglected her over a box of fucking Easy Mac?! All the while her older sister pranced around saying “Oh, don’t worry she aallllwwwaayyyss does this. She’s so ddrrammmaattiiccc.” While I’m looking at her… are you fucking crazy you little nut job, your sister needs help and you’re laughing at her?!?!
About an hour later her parents finally show up, she had been talked out of the bathroom at some point. I believe maybe her bro even came home and pulled her out. I can’t even remember those details…but she didn’t kill herself. Funny enough about five minutes after I had finally reached my dad and told him what was going on. He was on the way. Finally! Once he got there, I jumped in the truck. All he could do was ask if I was alright. I shakily replied yea as he pulled out of the dirt drive. We drove the rest of the way home in silence and never spoke of it again.
Cut to shortly after that when I was watching my brother after school one day. He was really getting under my skin. At this time he was undiagnosed ADHD, I with undiagnosed ADD. I whole heartedly believe I was in the midst of my first battle with PTSD post gramp’s trauma too. With that combination I don’t know if it was my short fuse, him jacked up on Dr. Pepper, or a good combination or the two…I wielded a blade in our own kitchen and threatened to take my own life if he didn’t BACK THE FUCK OFF….
Jaw dropper right! I did it right back to my little bro. The little man that I love so damn dearly that I’d protect with my own life. I’ve hurt him in so many ways I can’t even count. I’m sure he can…our family has a fondness for grudges. I will spend a lifetime apologizing, I’m sure of it. As these memories come up I will share them and apologize again and again. I’m not making excuses for myself. I see the error in my ways but I cannot change what has been done. we can only move forward.
I love you Alex.