I guess my new hair do has caused some concern for people. Especially in the light of it being “that time” for me. Not not my period assholes, I’d never have hair if I hacked it off every time I felt the surge of the crimson tide. Next Sunday is the three year anniversary of my world coming to a crashing halt. It was a regular day at work and I was doing cardio on the elliptical. My second @Fighter_Diet session of the day. Luckily the base I worked had extremely restricted access. The gym was basically all mine. I was pushing hard when my phone rang. It’s a ringtone I know well. It only goes off when something is wrong. It’s that startling alarm tone iPhones have. You know that one. The one no one in their right mind can sleep through because you’re in a fallout shelter…yep that’s it. My brother was calling. All he said was dad’s gone…
Let me back it up a little. Just a smidge. My dad would sometimes go through bouts of depression. In hind sight I believe he silently suffered from many of the afflictions I have today. If anyone suspects they were neglected as children or have a loved one that was, please have them read Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Dr. Jonice Webb. It has changed my life and allowed me to start moving forward with mending some of the relationships with my family. On my terms. So my dad was in “another funk.” Normally I would send him a text. Just to remind him that I love him. Even though we did’t speak nearly as often as we should have. I didn’t do it this time. Momster asked me not to…She told me that dad would be even more pissed that she had disclosed to me that he was having issues. I should leave it alone. I obeyed even though I didn’t want to.
The next day, my dad killed himself. A tattered sawed off shotgun held together by duct tape. In the back yard under a holly tree. They say the shotgun probably exploded instead of shooting because they couldn’t tell where he put the barrel. His entire lower jaw was blown off. He had a prescription for Valium with no diagnosed anxiety issues. When he would get down he Leaned heavily on the Valium. I refer to it as his Valium cloud. That pulled the wool over his eyes and allowed him to pull that trigger.
Since his suicide I have had two attempts at taking my own life. Neither I’m sure how I survived. Since the last, I’ve been determined to turn my life around. I’m finding purpose and meaning in my life. ME! I’ve never thought I was worth the trouble before.
So what the fuck does my new hair have to do with all this? Those closest to me know this time is coming up and are watching me for erratic behavior. With this new blog and now new hair… It’s been a lot of change in a little time for someone that’s been stagnant for over a year. In learning to take care of myself I’m learning hobbies that also promote the same realm of thinking… Self care, self love, growth, out with the old in with the new…yadda yada yadda. I started gardening. It sounds silly and old fashioned. What the fuck do I care? I’m a retired veteran with #NothinButTime It has unlocked a whole new appreciation for the life cycle I’ve never slowed down to take in. Watching your seedlings respond day by day. Each plant has its own voice and way to be taken care of. They will tell you exactly what they need. You must only slow down to listen. It’s beginners mediation. I don’t allow music while I’m gardening. Only my thoughts may interfere. I allow myself to have them, but sweep them away by staying present and paying to my plants and my surrounding. It’s a beautiful process. Nature is beautiful.
I see my hair like I see pruning my garden. It’ll grown back much more healthy and lush. Especially since I’m taking care of myself from the inside and out. After a traumatic event, I’ve been known to color my hair darker. I died it black after the molestation. I died it dark brown after I got married…This isn’t the same thing. I chopped my hair short and sassy. I’m not trying to hide myself. For the first time I’m holding my head high where my confidence level should be. I have a habit of buying clothes I’ve never been bold enough to wear. Only to donate them years later. NO MORE DENABEAR! This girl is ready to take over the world and won’t be silenced any longer.
Don’t worry kittens. The awesome do I’m rocking doesn’t mean my mental state is a rockin. It took a motha-fuckin-climb!