I was asked by a few people why am I doing this. People that caught me off guard. My first reaction was anger…(a feeling word I now know very well thanks to therapy). Why the fuck am I having to defend myself all over again? I’ve been on the defense for as long as I can remember. I’ve walked through life crippled. A slave to worry. Constantly bombarded with concern for how my actions and words effect others all the while holding no regard for my own feelings, needs or wants. This on going journey of many years has not all been forward movement. For every leap ahead I keep a huge punch in the face making me stumble backward. I’m only now in a position where I can freely talk about the trials and tribulations while keeping a smile on my face, of course the tears still flow freely, but progress is progress right?! I can finally see that it is a journey of self discovery. Before, I only could see misery surrounding me and knew I was destined for a life of sadness a desolation. Seeing the forrest for the trees…ya know.
Being able to openly talk about all the horrors. Put words, feelings, and thoughts to them takes the emotional power from that shit over me. I’d like to say it gives me the power back, but I never had it to begin with. I’m putting myself into a position to make amends with the people I have wronged. So many times I’ve tried to force others to see how they have hurt me by cutting them with hurtful words back. Trying to even the score with my hurtful words only made me feel worse, and aided in my isolating more. My words have cut some people to the core. I said them out of rage when I was bleeding out emotionally. For those I am sorry and I want to apologize.
In a conversation with one of my favorite people last night, I told her that whole sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me shit is total BS! Sticks and stones can send people to get help, but words scar where you can’t see them. The effects can be devastating. It’s the same as the mental health stigma. It kills me to know I’ve done this to people. This blog is not only to bring attention to my neglecters and abusers. It to help me work out my relationships with those I deem worth reviving. More importantly it’s to bring attention to myself and to help me grow into being a better person. The fact that I felt backed into a corner like a trapped animal like when I was a little girl does not make it right. I know I’m better than that and I will prove it.
I have a habit of starting and keeping relationships with toxic people in efforts to fix the toxic relationships of yesteryear. What’s different this time? I’m a year strong into weekly therapy sessions with a woman that doesn’t allow me to screw around. I hold nothing back with her and she gives it to me straight wether I like it or not. She is a very special person to me. Please don’t let me fail to mention that I’m also about to hit a year milestone in my relationship. I’m engaged, and for the first time I feel safe and supported enough to have found my voice, speak out, and amend with those I feel make me whole. Forgive those that will give me peace. Forget those that will forever be toxic and refuse to change. He has given me sight to see the good in myself. He’s the reason I stopped giving up on me after my last suicide attempt on my birthday last July. He saw me at my most broken. Crying, bleeding, naked after I somehow found my way back to his door after trying to join my father in the river forever.
This blog isn’t meant to bad mouth anyone. If you know me I have the mouth of a sailor…if you don’t know me….get used to it or go away. I use crude words and name calling because it’s part of my humor. For real though, in the heat of the shitty moments, there’s nothing better than a motherfucker, #amiright. I don’t like to dwell in the past either. The past is the past and we can’t change it (I know there’s a Rafiki quote somewhere in there). However, when things from the past still effect your actions today, panic attacks, constant failed relationships, intimacy issues, etc. Then the past is still being burdensome in some way and needs to be addressed. That’s the purpose here. Not to dwell. Not to live in the past. To once and for all talk about these horrendous times and then move forward.
The genesis of this blog looks quite negative, but my hope is for it to blossom to help others. There are so many out there that struggle on the daily from so many afflictions. If I can touch and help just one person, I’ll feel so much more accomplish about my entire life. I expect negative feedback and I’m ready for it. I’ve got good people around me now that I can cry when I want to and no one will tell me to suck it up and get over it. I never thought I could get out of the deep of the shit and now, FUCK, I’m living like a semi-normal person. I never thought that could be possible. All I want to do is help others find help and let them know people really do care. Never give up! Find your pack that supports you, and if you can’t, I DO!! I’ll BE HERE!! Don’t believe me just watch!
What I’m hoping to add later when I get the hang of this whole blog shit…
- #CannaKeto recipes I use to keep my inflammation and anxiety down
- #420Time Adventures I’m a huge 420 advocate for PSTD, #Anxiety, #UlcerativeColitis #BarrettsEsophagus, #RheumatoidArthritis, #SpinalPain
- #MyMentalIllnessJourneyJournal and #LadyVetFightingPTSDErryday with pictures
- #PTSD and #VeteranAwareness through travels with #RollingThunder to help bring home our #POW&MIA
Stay Tuned Dudes and Dudettes
#Denabear #DenabearTime #DenabearThoughts #MyMentalIllnessJourney #CocoaBeachKetoQueen #AirForceVeteran